the salient thoughts running in my head right now are the following:
-i'm in pain, but i'm not dying. i will not die from this pain.
-i actually have several options when my pain and bleeding symptoms are at their peak:
a) i can just take in all the pain, and not complain
b) i can be proactive about the whole thing
c) i can hit my little yoga room and "try to" meditate the pain away
d) i can curse the too much blood clots coming out of my vagina
e)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
thankful or complaining???
the year 2010 until its third quarter was truly great for me. in fact, it was so great that i thought it would end with a bang. of course i've only few considerations when i rate my year as spectacular or downright sad. one consideration is the chance to step on lands outside cebu, greater if it's outside the country. second is if i'm healthy. by healthy, i mean my beautiful uterus doesn't act up preventing me from doing my business. so yeah, the first three quarters met my two conditions. this year i was able to fly to bangkok, thailand and seoul, korea. locally, i had the chance to visit the northern places of cebu particularly the white beaches of bantayan island. in june, i enjoyed the northern part of luzon particularly the ilocos region. vigan never failed to amaze me. chavit singson's baluarte was awesome as i saw animals freely roaming the field. ha, i even saw a camel there. in laoag, i saw the late president marcos' remains. it was eerie looking at his remains knowing that he passed on several years ago. to top it all, the beaches in pagudpud were simply marvelous. the sands were so white and fine. lastly, i had a quick glimpse of the beauty that is clark and got a peek at mt. arayat, which we took for as mt. pinatubo. anyhow, it's only less than a month and the year 2010 bids farewell. last few days of october, i had a health scare. what i thought was a routine check-up with my ob - that is, have a quick chit-chat with her and her giving me hormonal pills to control my adenomyosis - turned out to be a start of my little paranoia over the big C. my doc refused to give me pills without knowing what's going on inside me. apparently, the health account i gave her was a cause of concern. thus, she ordered that i get myself an ultrasound. the ultrasound procedure over at cebu doc's center for women was uneventful until the ob-sonologist on duty made mention about my right ovary. up until then, my ovaries are fine. when asked what was amiss, she merely instructed me to have my scans read by my doc. as i am paranoid with my health and didn't want to have the same condition as my officemate, i proceeded to get another ultrasound. the second ultrasound was negative. my ovaries are fine. this news gave me relief until my doc saw my scans. she said my ovaries were the least of my worries. what i should be worried about is the hyperplasia. it turned out that my endometrium (uterine lining) was now too thick (1.7 cm normal is .55 mm) and that it may have hyperplastic etiology. in layman's term, my endometrium may have a condition that is a pre-cursor to uterine cancer. thus, my doc highly recommended that i undergo a dilation and curettage (DnC) in order to determine if my hyperplasia is pre-cancerous. ha, as i'm a freakin' virgin, the procedure scared the hell out of me. i asked my doc if i could do the procedure the following year just so i could end my year "feeling healthy". but my doc suggested otherwise. this increased my worry more as my doc was very conservative in her choice of treatment for me. the DnC was the very first aggressive procedure she recommended. given her approach, i took it as an alarm bell as she wouldn't have suggested it if nothing is amiss. so, i summoned up enough courage and had the procedure done and over with last october 30. luckily, the
biopsy result turned out negative. among the four types of hyperplasia, mine was the fourth type. i only had "simple endometrial hyperplasia without atypia." the other three were pre-cancerous. so yay to that! after i had my results, my doc put me on progesterone treatment. i would have three shots of depo-povera to hopefully cure the hyperplasia. i had my first shot of depo last november 6. it's almost a month since that last shot and my life can be described now as one hell of a ride. one moment i'm fine, the next i've bouts of headaches. sometimes my body feels so hot. other times, it's uncomfortable urinating. the depo is supposed to halt my ovulation. without ovulation, i'm not supposed to bleed. but last monday, i started to have blood spots. on tuesday, it was full blown bleeding with cramps and all the pain one can take in. so yeah, i'm back to popping mefenamic acids to kill the pain around my pelvis. currently, i'm not a huge fan of mefenamic acid, so i try to limit my intake to at least just two tablets a day. so in between the pill-popping, i'm in painland. i silently cry when the pain gets so intense, but on most hours i'm pretending that i don't feel pain at all. just like now, i'm pretending that i don't feel the poking sensation around my pelvis or that my lower back is not hurting. okay, there's a post it note in front of me now, it says "i am pain-free" and "attitude matters". okay, let's see how well these work. hopefully, the coming days wouldn't be as bad.
biopsy result turned out negative. among the four types of hyperplasia, mine was the fourth type. i only had "simple endometrial hyperplasia without atypia." the other three were pre-cancerous. so yay to that! after i had my results, my doc put me on progesterone treatment. i would have three shots of depo-povera to hopefully cure the hyperplasia. i had my first shot of depo last november 6. it's almost a month since that last shot and my life can be described now as one hell of a ride. one moment i'm fine, the next i've bouts of headaches. sometimes my body feels so hot. other times, it's uncomfortable urinating. the depo is supposed to halt my ovulation. without ovulation, i'm not supposed to bleed. but last monday, i started to have blood spots. on tuesday, it was full blown bleeding with cramps and all the pain one can take in. so yeah, i'm back to popping mefenamic acids to kill the pain around my pelvis. currently, i'm not a huge fan of mefenamic acid, so i try to limit my intake to at least just two tablets a day. so in between the pill-popping, i'm in painland. i silently cry when the pain gets so intense, but on most hours i'm pretending that i don't feel pain at all. just like now, i'm pretending that i don't feel the poking sensation around my pelvis or that my lower back is not hurting. okay, there's a post it note in front of me now, it says "i am pain-free" and "attitude matters". okay, let's see how well these work. hopefully, the coming days wouldn't be as bad.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
happy and grateful
there aren't many days that i wake up really, really happy. but it appears that today is an exception. i woke up with so much lightness and deep sense of gratitude and happiness.
nope. i did not win the lottery nor snatch myself a boyfriend.
i'm happy and grateful because in the several years that went by, this month is the only month that i DID NOT HAVE TO POP A SINGLE PAINKILLER. yep, that's one source of happiness for me considering that not a month passed without me relying on painkillers to get me through hellish 5 to 8 days. and yes, i'm happy. ecstatic. and i'm going to repeat it again. I'M FREAKIN' HAPPY.
there are only two things i could attribute this pain-free days. One. The supplement of evening prime rose oil is working its magic. or Two. There really is such a thing as a miracle. I won't be ashamed to admit that because of my beautiful uterus' condition, i no longer have shame in trying out everything. For someone who's not very much a believer of organized religion, I discarded that notion last month and went to a healing mass over at Sto. Nino church last February 10. The mass was officiated by Fr. Fernando Suarez, a known healing priest based in Canada, whom I first knew about through Studio 23's TV mass held every Sunday. I can't describe the experience I had then. But all i can say, perhaps coming to that event with faith in my heart is the reason why i'm pain-free for the first time in years. So yeah, PRAISE TO HIS NAME. I love this one, JOKESTER. I hope it will continue. Again, thank you, thank you, jokester for this much happiness. to GOD be the glory!
nope. i did not win the lottery nor snatch myself a boyfriend.
i'm happy and grateful because in the several years that went by, this month is the only month that i DID NOT HAVE TO POP A SINGLE PAINKILLER. yep, that's one source of happiness for me considering that not a month passed without me relying on painkillers to get me through hellish 5 to 8 days. and yes, i'm happy. ecstatic. and i'm going to repeat it again. I'M FREAKIN' HAPPY.
there are only two things i could attribute this pain-free days. One. The supplement of evening prime rose oil is working its magic. or Two. There really is such a thing as a miracle. I won't be ashamed to admit that because of my beautiful uterus' condition, i no longer have shame in trying out everything. For someone who's not very much a believer of organized religion, I discarded that notion last month and went to a healing mass over at Sto. Nino church last February 10. The mass was officiated by Fr. Fernando Suarez, a known healing priest based in Canada, whom I first knew about through Studio 23's TV mass held every Sunday. I can't describe the experience I had then. But all i can say, perhaps coming to that event with faith in my heart is the reason why i'm pain-free for the first time in years. So yeah, PRAISE TO HIS NAME. I love this one, JOKESTER. I hope it will continue. Again, thank you, thank you, jokester for this much happiness. to GOD be the glory!
Monday, February 8, 2010
faith
he said this to me once: "just have faith, vet". all things will fall into place and things will be all right for you. just believe.
my mother is another believer. every chance she gets, she goes to this woman in san fernando. she's heard a lot of accounts that the woman, through the blessings of GOD the FATHER has the power to heal people. she's heard many stories of her success. she herself vouches for sister lily's ability to heal people especially if one believes in the power of God the Father.
then there's my sister. a few weeks ago, she texted me that there's a healing mass to be held at sto. rosario. now two days ago, she again texted me that fr. suarez will be visiting sto. nino this wednesday to celebrate a healing mass. fr. fernando suarez is known as a healing priest. he's based in canada now, but from to time he visits the PH to conduct healing masses. we knew of father suarez through the TV mass aired every sunday over at channel 23. a lot of people have also vouched for fr. suarez, that he's indeed been made instrument by GOD to heal people with their sickness.
i must confess that though i want to believe in all these, i am somehow blocked. yes, i've been to sister lily's for a few times and yes, i might consider attending tomorrow's mass [if i'm okay by then, hehe - i'm experiencing my symptoms since sunday] but then i question am i doing all these because i believe?
when you have people who hang on to faith for you, it's quite difficult to let them down. in as much as i sometimes like to give up the battle, i know at the back of my mind that i won't be able to forgive myself if i won't even try. so try i will.
my mother is another believer. every chance she gets, she goes to this woman in san fernando. she's heard a lot of accounts that the woman, through the blessings of GOD the FATHER has the power to heal people. she's heard many stories of her success. she herself vouches for sister lily's ability to heal people especially if one believes in the power of God the Father.
then there's my sister. a few weeks ago, she texted me that there's a healing mass to be held at sto. rosario. now two days ago, she again texted me that fr. suarez will be visiting sto. nino this wednesday to celebrate a healing mass. fr. fernando suarez is known as a healing priest. he's based in canada now, but from to time he visits the PH to conduct healing masses. we knew of father suarez through the TV mass aired every sunday over at channel 23. a lot of people have also vouched for fr. suarez, that he's indeed been made instrument by GOD to heal people with their sickness.
i must confess that though i want to believe in all these, i am somehow blocked. yes, i've been to sister lily's for a few times and yes, i might consider attending tomorrow's mass [if i'm okay by then, hehe - i'm experiencing my symptoms since sunday] but then i question am i doing all these because i believe?
when you have people who hang on to faith for you, it's quite difficult to let them down. in as much as i sometimes like to give up the battle, i know at the back of my mind that i won't be able to forgive myself if i won't even try. so try i will.
i am at it again
this ranting about pain in my pelvic area, somewhere above my tailbone each month is getting a tad boring. believe me, i'm tired of it. but i just don't know how to get around it. i used to remember that i'm stronger than any pain the world throws at me. what happened to that girl? i wonder. where is she now? i miss that girl - the girl who can take on the world without resorting to wetting her eyes.
each time, i tell myself that all this shall pass. that there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel. but who am i kidding? all this positive self-talk is getting too cliched that they no longer work for me. there's one thing that works, albeit temporarily, is me reaching out to the one person who somehow gives me hope. but even that has some expiry - in my mind. although he won't tell me up front to stop bothering him - THAT I KNOW for some reason - , there will come a time that he will walk out of this, eventually. the sad thing is, i won't be able to blame him. who would want someone who can't be stronger for herself?
each time, i tell myself that all this shall pass. that there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel. but who am i kidding? all this positive self-talk is getting too cliched that they no longer work for me. there's one thing that works, albeit temporarily, is me reaching out to the one person who somehow gives me hope. but even that has some expiry - in my mind. although he won't tell me up front to stop bothering him - THAT I KNOW for some reason - , there will come a time that he will walk out of this, eventually. the sad thing is, i won't be able to blame him. who would want someone who can't be stronger for herself?
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