welcoming the pain, thanks to terry fox

the salient thoughts running in my head right now are the following:

-i'm in pain, but i'm not dying. i will not die from this pain.
-i actually have several options when my pain and bleeding symptoms are at their peak:
a) i can just take in all the pain, and not complain
b) i can be proactive about the whole thing
c) i can hit my little yoga room and "try to" meditate the pain away
d) i can curse the too much blood clots coming out of my vagina
e)

thankful or complaining???

the year 2010 until its third quarter was truly great for me. in fact, it was so great that i thought it would end with a bang. of course i've only few considerations when i rate my year as spectacular or downright sad. one consideration is the chance to step on lands outside cebu, greater if it's outside the country. second is if i'm healthy. by healthy, i mean my beautiful uterus doesn't act up preventing me from doing my business. so yeah, the first three quarters met my two conditions. this year i was able to fly to bangkok, thailand and seoul, korea. locally, i had the chance to visit the northern places of cebu particularly the white beaches of bantayan island. in june, i enjoyed the northern part of luzon particularly the ilocos region. vigan never failed to amaze me. chavit singson's baluarte was awesome as i saw animals freely roaming the field. ha, i even saw a camel there. in laoag, i saw the late president marcos' remains. it was eerie looking at his remains knowing that he passed on several years ago. to top it all, the beaches in pagudpud were simply marvelous. the sands were so white and fine. lastly, i had a quick glimpse of the beauty that is clark and got a peek at mt. arayat, which we took for as mt. pinatubo. anyhow, it's only less than a month and the year 2010 bids farewell. last few days of october, i had a health scare. what i thought was a routine check-up with my ob - that is, have a quick chit-chat with her and her giving me hormonal pills to control my adenomyosis - turned out to be a start of my little paranoia over the big C. my doc refused to give me pills without knowing what's going on inside me. apparently, the health account i gave her was a cause of concern. thus, she ordered that i get myself an ultrasound. the ultrasound procedure over at cebu doc's center for women was uneventful until the ob-sonologist on duty made mention about my right ovary. up until then, my ovaries are fine. when asked what was amiss, she merely instructed me to have my scans read by my doc. as i am paranoid with my health and didn't want to have the same condition as my officemate, i proceeded to get another ultrasound. the second ultrasound was negative. my ovaries are fine. this news gave me relief until my doc saw my scans. she said my ovaries were the least of my worries. what i should be worried about is the hyperplasia. it turned out that my endometrium (uterine lining) was now too thick (1.7 cm normal is .55 mm) and that it may have hyperplastic etiology. in layman's term, my endometrium may have a condition that is a pre-cursor to uterine cancer. thus, my doc highly recommended that i undergo a dilation and curettage (DnC) in order to determine if my hyperplasia is pre-cancerous. ha, as i'm a freakin' virgin, the procedure scared the hell out of me. i asked my doc if i could do the procedure the following year just so i could end my year "feeling healthy". but my doc suggested otherwise. this increased my worry more as my doc was very conservative in her choice of treatment for me. the DnC was the very first aggressive procedure she recommended. given her approach, i took it as an alarm bell as she wouldn't have suggested it if nothing is amiss. so, i summoned up enough courage and had the procedure done and over with last october 30. luckily, the
biopsy result turned out negative. among the four types of hyperplasia, mine was the fourth type. i only had "simple endometrial hyperplasia without atypia." the other three were pre-cancerous. so yay to that! after i had my results, my doc put me on progesterone treatment. i would have three shots of depo-povera to hopefully cure the hyperplasia. i had my first shot of depo last november 6. it's almost a month since that last shot and my life can be described now as one hell of a ride. one moment i'm fine, the next i've bouts of headaches. sometimes my body feels so hot. other times, it's uncomfortable urinating. the depo is supposed to halt my ovulation. without ovulation, i'm not supposed to bleed. but last monday, i started to have blood spots. on tuesday, it was full blown bleeding with cramps and all the pain one can take in. so yeah, i'm back to popping mefenamic acids to kill the pain around my pelvis. currently, i'm not a huge fan of mefenamic acid, so i try to limit my intake to at least just two tablets a day. so in between the pill-popping, i'm in painland. i silently cry when the pain gets so intense, but on most hours i'm pretending that i don't feel pain at all. just like now, i'm pretending that i don't feel the poking sensation around my pelvis or that my lower back is not hurting. okay, there's a post it note in front of me now, it says "i am pain-free" and "attitude matters". okay, let's see how well these work. hopefully, the coming days wouldn't be as bad.