faith

he said this to me once: "just have faith, vet". all things will fall into place and things will be all right for you. just believe.

my mother is another believer. every chance she gets, she goes to this woman in san fernando. she's heard a lot of accounts that the woman, through the blessings of GOD the FATHER has the power to heal people. she's heard many stories of her success. she herself vouches for sister lily's ability to heal people especially if one believes in the power of God the Father.

then there's my sister. a few weeks ago, she texted me that there's a healing mass to be held at sto. rosario. now two days ago, she again texted me that fr. suarez will be visiting sto. nino this wednesday to celebrate a healing mass. fr. fernando suarez is known as a healing priest. he's based in canada now, but from to time he visits the PH to conduct healing masses. we knew of father suarez through the TV mass aired every sunday over at channel 23. a lot of people have also vouched for fr. suarez, that he's indeed been made instrument by GOD to heal people with their sickness.

i must confess that though i want to believe in all these, i am somehow blocked. yes, i've been to sister lily's for a few times and yes, i might consider attending tomorrow's mass [if i'm okay by then, hehe - i'm experiencing my symptoms since sunday] but then i question am i doing all these because i believe?

when you have people who hang on to faith for you, it's quite difficult to let them down. in as much as i sometimes like to give up the battle, i know at the back of my mind that i won't be able to forgive myself if i won't even try. so try i will.

i am at it again

this ranting about pain in my pelvic area, somewhere above my tailbone each month is getting a tad boring. believe me, i'm tired of it. but i just don't know how to get around it. i used to remember that i'm stronger than any pain the world throws at me. what happened to that girl? i wonder. where is she now? i miss that girl - the girl who can take on the world without resorting to wetting her eyes.

each time, i tell myself that all this shall pass. that there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel. but who am i kidding? all this positive self-talk is getting too cliched that they no longer work for me. there's one thing that works, albeit temporarily, is me reaching out to the one person who somehow gives me hope. but even that has some expiry - in my mind. although he won't tell me up front to stop bothering him - THAT I KNOW for some reason - , there will come a time that he will walk out of this, eventually. the sad thing is, i won't be able to blame him. who would want someone who can't be stronger for herself?